TheKaless

As you might know, at the end of the summer, I'll move about 8 hours away to attend another school. And it's great in many ways! I can't wait to meet new people, and to get new experiences and see new places.

I am also scared to hell by it all.

But what bothers me the most, is those I'll have to say goodbye to. Not forever, but long enough to worry me. I'll have to say goodbye to my dear cats, which I am not overly attatched to at all. Oliver is old, what if he dies when I'm gone?
I'll have to say goodbye to my parents, and most of my friends in my runaway small town. And the few friends I still got here.
Most of all, I'll have to say goodbye to my best friend. She's just... my best friend, simple as that. We hang out, and we laugh our asses off. We joke about stuff that's not ment for joking, and we talk ill about everyone. Why are we so terrible? Because we both know that it's allowed when we're with eachother. And we talk about everything. She knows my all, and that feels extremely nice.
      I hate the thought of not seing her as often as I want. Not having her 10min walk away from my house.

I guess the main bonusses I have when it comes to this moving, is that I'll be very much closer to my boyfriend. He'll be somewhere between 30min and 1 hour away, and that'll be nice. Also, I'll have the chance to refire my friendship with my only childhood friend, and hopefully, that'll make me feel less lonely. And hopefully, I'll make some new friends around the school as well.

This is actually mostly a post for MDTgamer, but I thought I'd mention it here as well.

Inu is finished!
I had to put Scy on hold, so I made a shorter, much more simple game, and I called it Inu. As far as I know, only one person have tried it yet. but he seemed to like it!
It's mainly buildt around the already made images by ProfesseurSpook, and he is, ofcourse, credited.

Link to the file from my dropbox here

https://www.dropbox.com/s/2tckofgw8beyoxr/Inu_2.html

So check that out, and let me know what yout think!

They tell you to walk away.
To choose your battles.
To know when to just give up and accept it.

I have never been good at giving up. I believe that when I finally start truly giving things up, then I'll just continue doing it. And I don't like the thought of that.

However, I have learned a bit about choosing my battles. I no longer bother to discuss music taste, smoking or drinking with my friends. I no longer BOTHER to talk to people when they go all "oh, i feel sorry for myself because everyone hates me".

I don't have much energy left to do anything. In many ways, the human instinct of survival is the only think holding me up. Well that, and a few stars in the darkest corners of the endless nightsky.

When I get pissed off, tired and sad, it's easier for me to see things from other peoples point of view. I understand most of it. I just don't have energy left to care. And that's where I am right now.

Truth be told, I have already given up. I have given up school, I have more or less given up the tought of friends that stick around forever, and I've given up happy endings. Yet I try.
I don't really... believe... in anything anymore, myself least of all.
But I have a slight hope.
I have a few dreams.

Silly, right....

For some time... I kinda had this... how shall I put it... this thought, about me being amazing on my own when everyone turns their back at me. And I truly miss the time when... I still believed in that.

If you slip me open you'd truly see a split between what I want. And I'm guessing that is part of the reason why I feel so... messed up. Do I want to be amazing on my own, being a great creator and awesmoe to the limits... or do I want to be the person that's truly a part of something more?

Why not both?

Well... so far, it doesn't seem like I know how to do that. I tried... I've tried for almost 2,5 years now. I can't do both...

The more technical stuff about this is being published to the gaming blogs, but the other stuff ends up here.

I was making this game, Scy game.
Now I have put the whole prodject on ice, cause it was badly planned and far too big to do at this point. Yet, I refuse to give up. I have learned that what I need the most is results, and that is what I'll have at the end of this.

I'm making a smaller game, specially suited for the illustrations I already do have. It's not excactly better planned, but it's smaller and easier to do. I have 2-4 alternatives at every passage, so to say. I have a strict limit of how long a passage can be, and I use a lot of illustrations from my friend, ProfesseurSp00k.

Link to deviantart here!

As always, if anyone want to illustrate, or got something I could use, then let me know! This story is mainly buildt around the illustrations, not the other way around.

so yep.

Lately, and by lately I mean months really, I have been a lot more... angry, compared to what I used to be. It's motsly about my idiot classmates, being simply the most idiotic human beings, if not quite nice people, I have ever met.

The amount of idiotic bullshit that blabs throught their duckfaced mouths makes me want to kill myself on a daily basis. Not even a joke, out classroom is on the fifth floor and there is about... i dont know, 15-20 meters fall from the window. I want to jump that window so badly when they start talking.

Not only that though. MOST THINGS piss me the fuck off... not even things I'd usually care about, but now...
My parents piss me off, my shrink piss me off, my boyfriend piss me off, my best friends piss me off, even my fucking cats piss me off. Even stuff, like candy or a bottle of water. My head feels like exploding and I think I'd be able to murder someone some day if I finally reached my limit.


I dont want to be this angry all the time... I really don't.
It's like... I can't go outside cause it pisses me off too much!

Someone would probably say that this type of anger is some sort of supressed grief. I dont have a response to that... well yeah, I do.
It fucking pisses me off.

In fact, every turn of that conversation would piss me off.

I decided to be ok. I decided to feel good, and to be... you know, happy.
That didn't work out that well, most of the time.
I have been facing a lot of tough decicions lately, most of them about what I am willing to tolerate, and of what I consider being too much.
I have been thinking about how to think, how to feel, and how to behave.
I have decided roads to walk, places to end up in, and other times... not.

Lately have been both easy and tough. It's confusing, simple as that. Simply confusing. Great songtitle... not really, fuck...

_____________________________________________________________________
Bottom line is, lately I've been facing a lot of things that I dont nessecarily want to face. I have been mushing my head in the choice of my battles, and I've struggeled a lot more with people, sorrow, anger and confusion.

Deep inside I really wish I could just... break down and get it over with. Kinda like vomiting when you're filthy drunk I guess. You sit over the toilet, it's painful and delightfully hell, then you get it all out, you pass out on the floor, and the next day you feel so much better.

I can't force myself to break down. Like not being able to vomit when it's conveniant. I guess I'll just have to hope that when it finally comes to it, I'll have a trench to vomit in. 

Sometimes I think about how fucked I get when secrets get too real.
Sometimes I think about people, and how fucked they are, just for being people.
I have this bad habit of punching walls and slicing meat when people, or myself for that matter, fucks me over.
The worst part? I'm only slightly exaggerating.
My secrets aren't really secrets anymore. Thus making me move the real secrets somewhere else.

Do not misunderstand, it's not like I got some huge secrets for the few readers I know the face of. But everyone has demons. Everyone searches the relaxing feeling of telling a stranger your inner hell.

I am fucked when my demons look my loved ones in the eye.

I have been stressing more than usual lately. .. my mind is all messed up and my body is tired.

But on the bus ride home, I decided something. I am done.
Done stressing about everything.
Done crying about nonsense.
Done caring about things I can't do anything about.

I will simply say "well fuck. This sucks" and then I'll move on.

This probably sounds like a huge thing, but it'll only be if I can make it work. Wish me luck, ok?

Soft kitty, warm kitty, cutie olibooooooo!
Just a random picutre of me and my cat C:
I look really chubby while lying upside down ;-;

Skyping with my gay best friend :3
Not that he's actually not gay but but but WELL THATS ANOTHER STORY.
Deep shit conversation going DOWN.

There is this thing that I don't really mention to people anymore. Some things are bound to always be told to be "completely normal", thus never taken seriously. As if having millions of others going through the same thing is ever going to help me out.

I have felt some things, and I've kept mostly quiet about it... because... well, it's supid really. At least the right people made me believe so...

I feel... tense! As if... something bad is going to happen to me. Every now and then, I get this... overwhelming feeling... that I'm not going to survive the night. As if there is something terrible that's going to end my life.

Some times I feel like I'm truly loosing it.
Oh, how many times have not the countless shrinks told me there is nothing wrong with me.
Oh, how it frusterates me... every damn time.

Anyhow, let me explain why I am this bothered.
I have a big problem with what is imaginary and what is real.
I have a VERY big and a bit recent broblem with the difference between sleep, half sleep and awake. The last one I have been bothered with for a long time... Example.
This morning I thought I was awake, and that I were to make a call. I talk a bit, then I hear "What are you saying?". I thought I was awake, but I was actually half asleep, and I sort of "woke up" because I talked in my half sleep, cause I thought I was awake. Like weekend at Barney's.

I happens a lot that I think I am awak when I am half asleep. It's not like dreaming, I promise. It's like going insane. How many times have I not started talking, as if I were in a skype conversation, HOURS after I go to bed. How many times have I been at school, and then being completely damn sure I was at home. Like... every time I close my eyes... every time my sight is blurred... every damn time, I feel like I don't know where I am or what the hell I'm doing there. Like I'm somewhere else. I don't feel much at all.... happiness, sorrow, hate and so on... I can only feel it when it is at its most extreme.

It frusterates, and frighten me, that I sometimes can't feel my feet hit the ground as I walk. That I can't feel what I touch with my own hands. That I can't see what is right in front of me. That I start talking as if I'm conversating with someone, on the other end of a conversation that I think exists cause I think I'm awake even if I'm almost sleeping. When something happens, I CANT TELL IF IT FUCKING HAPPENED OR NOT. It's messing with my head, and... It fucks me up. And... none of it matters...

Another thing, is that I've been going through some strange changes. Small things, like me going to the toilet more often, I need more sleep, I have a killing urge to.... go back to doing things, I go through crazy moodswings that I don't even show on the outside.

Anyhow, I started a new blog series. Actually, two! One on the MDTlore, and one somewhere secret. I'd like to have something to myself at least. Oh, and I'll have to change the name of the domain. Probably to MDTcreations, but we'll see.

Anyhow... well not any more anyhow's. I am not happy, really. The only time I feel somewhere close to happy, is when that special guy in my life shows up, and he smiles at me and looks at me as if I am some kind of godess. And then he holds me, and I feel warm. And when I hang out with a bunch of friends, like when we went bowling. Those kind of moments make me keep going.

GOOD NIGHT NOW.
If you stayed through all of this, here's a reward...
200,000 ostriches was studied over a period of 80 years, and there was not one report of a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
RANDOM FACT REWARD FOR PATIENCE!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm super smart or anything. .. but some people want me to believe that I'm slightly above average.

I don't know if it's a typical "smart person" thing to think a lot about life and deep things... but i do notice that "dumb people" simply doesn't seem to care.

I often wish I was too dumb to care. Or smart enough not to care, however you prefer to put it.

How do you let memories go, when they've only become a reminder of sadness?

I have gotten a lot of reminders from my "old" life lately. And in many ways, when I hear how they've fallen apart and ruined eachother, I am really happy I got out. But at the same time, I can't help the slightly bitter feeling. Inbetween the constant drama, they talk about how much fun they have, all their adventures and inside jokes, partying and all.

It's mostly fake, do know that. They hate eachothers faces damn much, most of the time.

Having snowballfights on the roof of the mall, doing jumpstyle on the pier and running off to the other side of the fjord without telling a soul.
     Well, that is actually some totally different people. But slightly same thing, they were crazy fuckers and I had such a great time. My first kiss was at this time, my time falling in love and my first time brokenhearted. Oh, the days.

Anyhow... it's not hard for me to see that holding on to memories like this is not very productive. One thin is remembering, but the way I get comfused by the past is far from clever. I need to move on, I really do.

How... to move on, from a past you know so well because you've played reruns over and over in your deepest hour. How, to wake up and finally... deal with, eventually accept, that your life is forever something different?

I don't usually deal with things... I run away and I start over. There is a big difference between that, and dealing with things to move on.

I am right about this, am I not? Or is running away and starting over a good thing? I'm doing it this fall actually... Help me out please.