There is this thing that I don't really mention to people anymore. Some things are bound to always be told to be "completely normal", thus never taken seriously. As if having millions of others going through the same thing is ever going to help me out.

I have felt some things, and I've kept mostly quiet about it... because... well, it's supid really. At least the right people made me believe so...

I feel... tense! As if... something bad is going to happen to me. Every now and then, I get this... overwhelming feeling... that I'm not going to survive the night. As if there is something terrible that's going to end my life.

Some times I feel like I'm truly loosing it.
Oh, how many times have not the countless shrinks told me there is nothing wrong with me.
Oh, how it frusterates me... every damn time.

Anyhow, let me explain why I am this bothered.
I have a big problem with what is imaginary and what is real.
I have a VERY big and a bit recent broblem with the difference between sleep, half sleep and awake. The last one I have been bothered with for a long time... Example.
This morning I thought I was awake, and that I were to make a call. I talk a bit, then I hear "What are you saying?". I thought I was awake, but I was actually half asleep, and I sort of "woke up" because I talked in my half sleep, cause I thought I was awake. Like weekend at Barney's.

I happens a lot that I think I am awak when I am half asleep. It's not like dreaming, I promise. It's like going insane. How many times have I not started talking, as if I were in a skype conversation, HOURS after I go to bed. How many times have I been at school, and then being completely damn sure I was at home. Like... every time I close my eyes... every time my sight is blurred... every damn time, I feel like I don't know where I am or what the hell I'm doing there. Like I'm somewhere else. I don't feel much at all.... happiness, sorrow, hate and so on... I can only feel it when it is at its most extreme.

It frusterates, and frighten me, that I sometimes can't feel my feet hit the ground as I walk. That I can't feel what I touch with my own hands. That I can't see what is right in front of me. That I start talking as if I'm conversating with someone, on the other end of a conversation that I think exists cause I think I'm awake even if I'm almost sleeping. When something happens, I CANT TELL IF IT FUCKING HAPPENED OR NOT. It's messing with my head, and... It fucks me up. And... none of it matters...

Another thing, is that I've been going through some strange changes. Small things, like me going to the toilet more often, I need more sleep, I have a killing urge to.... go back to doing things, I go through crazy moodswings that I don't even show on the outside.

Anyhow, I started a new blog series. Actually, two! One on the MDTlore, and one somewhere secret. I'd like to have something to myself at least. Oh, and I'll have to change the name of the domain. Probably to MDTcreations, but we'll see.

Anyhow... well not any more anyhow's. I am not happy, really. The only time I feel somewhere close to happy, is when that special guy in my life shows up, and he smiles at me and looks at me as if I am some kind of godess. And then he holds me, and I feel warm. And when I hang out with a bunch of friends, like when we went bowling. Those kind of moments make me keep going.

GOOD NIGHT NOW.
If you stayed through all of this, here's a reward...
200,000 ostriches was studied over a period of 80 years, and there was not one report of a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
RANDOM FACT REWARD FOR PATIENCE!