And back at "work". Not that my blog is THAT much work, but that's not all I do. I like to think of all my prodjects as "MDTcreations" or something like that. It's not just a bunch of tiny prodjects, it's one BIG prodject that concists of many smaller ones. It doesn't have to make sense to you, as long as you get what you want, right?

Right now I'm OVEREXCITED about reading the student manual that I just recieved on email from my school.

*reading*

Alright, I'm almost done, and I have to say .... I DONT WANNA ANYMOREEEEEEE!
It's a mix between a lot of stuff, I'll be back to explain in a moment....

*finishing reading*

Oh god, well a huge part of me really really really don't want to go through with this...
First of all, the handbook starts off with explaining how important it is to open the students mind to our lord and jesus....
I'm not an atheist, I'm more an agnostic, but honestly.... TRY to push me into christianity, I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!
Oh, they can just DARE to try making me stop cursing.

And also, I read through the schedule .... I don't know how to explain this, but I have sort of ... an undiagnosed social anxeity. Selective social anxiety maybe ... my shrink would probably not agree, however.

When I'm alone in a croud, it's normal to feel anxious, right? Nervous and shy.
I feel like dying. Alright maybe not quite, but you'd be suprised of how little of a joke that is.
I am never as exhausted as when I've been around a bigger crowd by my self... I can't stand it, and many times I've just started crying once I'm by myself.
And I don't even know what's the bad thought in all of this.
I just.... I think about all the fucking gatherings.
All the group work.
All the free time.
I'm actually crying a bit now, to be honest.

And I'm screaming into my hand, while my cat scratches himself INSIDE the ear with his right back foot. SO adorable. Why so itchy inside the ear little kitty kitty?

I just read through the entire handbook or whatever you'd like to kall it in english... SO MANY RULES. The rebell in me wanted to kill herself instantly.
However, I just found a facebook group dedicated to the students of this school this fall. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can get to know someone a bit before the school starts, so I don't have to ... you know, kill myself.

Funny thing, that is. For the first time in a long while, I don't really think about it that much. Death, I mean. The thoughts of it has been haunting me for a long time.
Fear.
Anger.
Regret.
It's tough to bear, tougher to leave behing. That cold thought clinging to my throat, telling me I'll NEVER ever EVER again.

I'm sorry I'm so emotional and that this is getting far too long. Thinking about the fall makes me wanna cheer, throw up, die and cry. I'm kinda crying, screaming and slightly throwing up at the moment.

HELP ME!

I'm not even joking, I'm litterally crying and slightly gagging out of fear.
I wanna, I wanna, but HELL NO I DONT WANNA!!!