There is a rather high possibility that me being so tired all the time is somewhat reasoned by the fact that I don't reallt prioritize sleep much. It's more of a "Do everything else and collapse on the bed" kind of way. I don't remember if I've talked about this here before, but anyways

WARNING: this is another post about my messed up mind, and story and all that crap.

I've grown scared as hell of the silence. Whenever there is silence, there is time to think, and there is time to feel what I don't want to feel. I run away from silence, from the "nothing"s in life. Asking me to do nothing is one of the most demanding things anyone could ever ask me.
      You'd might as my parents, and they'd say I do nothing all the time. That's a lie. Behind the closed doors of my room, I'll always have some series on the TV to scare off silence. I'm most likely writing, drawing, shooting things with my softgun, blogging, talking, researching for the sake of knowledge. And even if it seems like that's not really anything, since I'm still sitting still...

I have a challenge for you. And rumor has it, it is more difficult than you'd might think.
DO NOTHING. Absolutely nothing for... say 5 minutes. I have done some researching on the world wide web, and I am not alone in being unable to do nothing. It's rough on me, and it gives me a panic feeling.
     Oh, and another thing. You'd think that to lie down and listen to music is "nothing", right? Well, that's not good enough this time. I want you to sit up, and have NOTHING. Just sit there, completely still, for 5 damn minutes. No music, no talking, no humming. I barely allow you to breathe.

I am aware that this is slightly extreme for this challenge. There is a website that counts down 2 minutes for you, and that tells you that you've failed if you touch your mouse of keyboard. I failed withing 15secounds.
     I live my life at an extreme tempo, always doing things and fitting as much as god damn possible into my day. I am always burned out, I rarely sleep, but I keep going. In periodes things happen to my body and mind, but they pass. I see and hear things that happened yeasterday, as if my mind struggeles with delay. I space out for minutes, and then forget they ever happened (this is pretty uncomfortable around people, since I forget they're there, or that they left, or what they said etc).

Now, this is all probably extremely normal and not anything worth worrying about. I am totally fine, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm just a teenager with hormones.

I dare you, say that to my face one more damn time and I'll snap.
I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say that again...
     It sucks you know... that no matter how bad I feel, no one really sees it. All they see is a well off kid in a rich country, having troublesome, yet stable parents, friends, no problem finding people to love, bright mind and talent for most things. And I know all that. I know that I should feel fine. I do know, and I do see.

BUT I DONT.
I feel like fuck, 98% of the days I wake up. I go to bed, and I pray to gods I don't even believe in, to never let me wake up again. And it's not because my life is terrible. It's because I feel like hell.

I have those moments where I see some sparks in the darkness around me. Slight pieces of hope and happiness. I see them, and I reach out to grab them. And then, they turn into more lights, and more, and more! All of a sudden, I stand in the middle of a thousand lights, so bright I can barely see. The blood pumpes through my vains, and the smile is impossible to hide. It's like my heartbeat is playing my favorite songs, and it feels good.
Then...
     My world shits down. It's like thin metal on the fire. It doesn't actually go up in flames, it just... crumbles. And I fall to my knees in what used to be light. It's all fading, and when I reach my hands out to grab it, I burn myself. Before I know it, I'm under water. The cold hell of darkness is hugging me tightly, and I can't get out. I drown.

This is getting long and tiresome, but I warned you.
I know how easy it is, and that is the most scary part.
Me being close is not the problem, it's the fact that I learned how easy it really is.