WARNING: This is a long text, mostly about my extreme demands towards myself, as a result of me being shadowed by my brother, also resulting in my annoying need of attention.

All of a sudden I feel like crap again ... and so I figured it would be an amazing ide to tell the strangers out there, exactly what I struggle with.
At least as far as I know my self.

One thing is that I have pretty high demand towards myself. I don't think I'm fully happy with anything I create very often.
And through my entire childhood, and also now, I have felt... shadowed by my brother.
When we were kids, he were the bigger one, and so he got to do lots of more stuff than I. Also, I was a girl, so that's ok.
But then he got bullyed at school, and aldo they discovered that he had epilepsy and ADD.
I get why people have munchinks desiese (I think it's a mental state where you face medical illness for the attention). It was tough on me to see all the attention he got, and how celebrated he were when he got a decent grade at school.
I was always the "good" kid when it came to school. Always so clever, that I never really needed the help. And when I came home with good grades, it wasn't such a big deal. I felt like they took my "good-at-school" stuff for granted.

My grades fell when I lost motivation, and I also lost interesst in most of the things I used to be good at, like writing and reading.
At the same time, my brother started to get pretty well recognized with his musical talent. My family was so proud.
I am known to be very emotional, both with good and bad emotons. Also, I am rather unstable, so it can take less than nothing to make me break down from being the happiest little fluff in the world.
I went from being the "good" kid, to the extreme dissapointment, in the shadows of my difficult, yet highly achieved brother.

And I guess a big part of me feels like I have to have extreme demands, and puch myself to the edge of going nuts, just so that I can be good enough. So much of my life is about being good enough, and I don't even know what "enough" is, nor who decides.
And also, I have this extremely irritating need for attention.
LET ME JUST GET ONE THING CLEAR, I HATE ATTENTION SEEKING BITCHES THAT MAKE DRAMA JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.
And yet...
I'm not like a dramaqueen attention seeking, I'm more of a "got to be good, got to be better" type of attention seeker. I just want to be so good that it draws peoples attention. Whether it's writing, drawing, videos, whatever. I just want to be good, and I want to get the recognizion.

I'm almost done, just a couple more things to leave my mind.

I'm starting to seriously develop an anger problem. I already told you this, but I've hit a sement wall twise in two weeks, completely messing it up.
I slam doors, I rage on things, throwing them....
I was told that lying on the back on the floor would help. I really do believe that it's true, I really do.... but do you have any idea of how hard it is to make yourself lay flat on the back, when all you do is desiering the high pitched pain that floated through your arm as you hit something?

I'm also having a slightly ... somewhat confused, people problem.
I feel so extremely distanced from most people lately, and I don't know how to deal with it. I love being alone, I really do. I've always been somewhat of a lonely wolf, and I'm ok with that. But I hate to feel so distanced. There aren't really anyone I can truly open up to anymore, or that I can just ... unfold myself to, and trust to the inner of my soul.
So even with my closest, I just feel so distanced and lonely ._.

On top of, and as a cause of all theese things and more.... I'm struggeling A LOT with feeling bad about my behaviour. I know that I should be more patient, understanding and less judging towards ... well anyone! And I know is seek attention a lot, AND AS MENTIONED, I HATE THAT, and I know I'm being difficult. I also know I'm letting myself down a bit every day.
I just feel bad, cause I think I should be better.
And it sucks, cause I also know better than to think this way.

Alright, I'm done now.
I'm suprised if anyone actually followed this to the end, but if anyone did, then wow.
In short terms, I'm obsessed with te thought that I should be better.
Also, I'm on the edge of hating myself since I feel like a dissapointment that isn't good enough.
I'm also pretty angry, since I hate bullshit like those thoughts.
Then I have those good moments that just end up confusing me.

Good night little shades.